If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
