woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
