1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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