Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
