loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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