Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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