$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
