I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
