4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
