I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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