Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
