I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
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Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
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There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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