i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
