the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
