I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
