Joe is yelling at the trees again.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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