at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
