When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
operation have a gay friend backfired
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
