mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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