your parents love me but you hate me
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My ass is underappreciated
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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