FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
