please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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