Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
