Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
