I haven't been this sober since birth.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
