Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
