Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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