Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
