Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
