They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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