A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
