Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
