i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
