I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
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Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
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Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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