3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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