i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
there is puke in my bra ... again
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