My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
