There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
