well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
