My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I have fence marks all over my body
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
