he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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