I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
