i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
