I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
