I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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