her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
