I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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