Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
