So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize