Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
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You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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