nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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