can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
