go do what you do best...puke behind churches
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
