another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Randomize
