Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
