apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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