I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
