i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
