that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
