Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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