We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
What drink are we having for lunch?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
