Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
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I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
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I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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