i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
