youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
