there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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